When Help Hurts: The Unintentional Gaslighting of Therapists & Medical Providers
A trauma-informed perspective from someone who’s lived it and works with it every day.
There’s a kind of pain that doesn’t leave bruises.
It comes from sitting across from a therapist or a doctor — someone who is supposed to help you — and walking out feeling smaller, more confused, or even ashamed of the symptoms you came in asking for support with.
Most people assume gaslighting only happens in abusive relationships.
But many of us — especially women with trauma, chronic illness, autism, ADHD, or complex nervous systems — experience a quieter, more socially accepted kind of gaslighting inside the very systems meant to support us.
And often, it’s unintentional.
That’s what makes it so damaging.
What Is “Unintentional Gaslighting”?
It isn’t usually malicious.
It’s not calculated abuse.
It’s not someone trying to harm you.
It happens when:
your pain is minimized or brushed off
your symptoms are dismissed because they don’t fit a textbook
your nervous system responses are treated as “overreacting”
you’re told it’s “just stress”
chronic illness is blamed on mindset
neurodivergence is misunderstood
trauma is treated like a personality flaw
you’re encouraged to cope instead of helped to heal
It sounds like:
“You’re overthinking this.”
“Everyone feels that way sometimes.”
“It’s probably anxiety.”
“If it doesn’t show up on a test, it’s nothing serious.”
“You can’t be autistic — you function too well.”
“Your trauma doesn’t sound that severe.”
They don’t even realize they’ve just invalidated your lived reality.
Why It Hurts So Deeply — Especially for Trauma Survivors
When you grow up with trauma, you’re already conditioned to:
doubt your own perception
minimize your pain
suppress your truth to stay safe
internalize blame
pretend you’re okay
question whether your feelings are valid
So when a provider unintentionally mirrors the same invalidation your nervous system already knows?
Your body hears:
“You’re wrong again. You can’t trust yourself. Your pain is not real. Your reality is too much.”
This keeps people stuck in the very cycles therapy is supposed to help them break.
It keeps chronic illness undiagnosed for decades.
It keeps autistic and ADHD adults masking until burnout collapses them.
It leaves people silently wounded inside systems meant to heal them.
Why This Happens (The Honest Truth About the System)
Most providers are not cruel people.
But the system trains and pressures them into patterns that unintentionally harm.
Many therapists and doctors:
are taught to treat symptoms, not root causes
receive very little training on CPTSD or complex trauma
rarely learn how trauma lives in the nervous system
are not educated on autism and ADHD in adults — especially women
don’t fully understand conditions like complex illness overlap with CPTSD
think “normal labs” means “nothing is wrong”
rely too heavily on talk therapy alone
underestimate trauma in highly functional, articulate women
feel uncomfortable going to the emotional depth true healing requires
And so people fall through the cracks… over and over again.
You’re Not “Too Sensitive.” Your Body Was Telling the Truth.
If you’ve ever left an appointment feeling:
unheard
dismissed
blamed
confused
ashamed
like maybe it is all in your head
Please hear this:
Your experience was valid.
Your body was communicating truth.
Your pain was real.
Your intuition was not wrong.
You were not “difficult.”
You were not dramatic.
You were not exaggerating.
You were asking for help in a system that still doesn’t fully understand trauma, chronic illness, or neurodivergence.
That is not your fault.
What Real Healing Requires
Healing is not just coping strategies.
It’s not endless talking about the same wounds.
It’s not willpower or positive thinking.
True healing requires:
nervous system regulation
trauma-informed safety
space to unmask
a practitioner who believes you
work that reaches the body, not just the mind
root-cause awareness
gentle but meaningful transformation
deep compassion rather than dismissal
Healing happens when your body finally feels safe enough to shift.
And that rarely happens in environments where your truth is minimized.
Why I Do This Work
Everything I offer at Restorative Healing Haven was created for people like me — and like so many of you — who were dismissed, misunderstood, invalidated, or quietly gaslit by traditional systems.
My work supports healing in the places talk therapy doesn’t always reach:
✨ Mind-Body Trauma Healing (somatic + root-cause + trauma-informed coaching)
✨ Integrative Reiki Healing
✨ Sound Therapy & Nervous System Repair
✨ Safe, compassionate space for neurodivergent adults
✨ Trauma-informed care grounded in lived experience
You deserve to feel believed.
You deserve a regulated nervous system.
You deserve healing that actually shifts something inside you — not therapy that keeps you looping in the same story without relief.
Book Recommendation
If this topic resonates with you, I highly recommend:
“The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
It’s one of the most important books ever written about how trauma lives in the body — and why traditional talk-only therapy is often not enough. It explains nervous system response, body memory, and real pathways toward healing with both compassion and science.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve experienced unintentional gaslighting by therapists or medical providers, you’re not alone — and nothing is wrong with you.
You were asking for help.
And you deserved better.
Healing is possible — gently, deeply, safely — and you don’t have to do it the old way anymore.
Restorative Healing Haven
Trauma-informed complementary therapy, nervous system healing, Reiki, sound therapy, and mind-body trauma work for women and neurodivergent adults.
📍 South Haven, MI
📞 Text: 1-269-767-8920
🌐 restorativehealinghaven.com
💌 Compassionate, judgment-free, survivor-informed care