Understanding Friendships After Trauma: The Outer Circle
If you’ve been through trauma, you may have noticed that friendships feel… complicated.
When trust has been broken before, it can feel safer to either let someone all the way in or shut them completely out.
This makes sense. Your body and mind have learned to protect you from betrayal. Living in survival mode trains you to look for safety in absolutes. But human connection isn’t always black or white — and sometimes there’s a middle ground that helps us feel safer and less lonely.
That middle ground is what I think of as the outer circle.
The 3 Friendship Zones:
Inner Circle 🫶
These are the people you let close to your heart.
You trust them with your vulnerable truths.
They’ve proven loyalty through action.
They’re the ones you can call during a crisis.
Outer Circle 🌿
These are acquaintances, casual friends, or people you see in certain settings.
You enjoy them in small doses.
They’re safe for light conversation, coffee chats, or community events.
You don’t share details that could harm you if mishandled.
Out 🚪
These are people who feel unsafe, or who you simply have no reason to keep in your life.
Sometimes releasing them makes space for healthier connections.
Why the Outer Circle Matters
Prevents overinvestment: You don’t have to give more than feels safe.
Reduces emotional whiplash: You’re less hurt if they don’t show up the way you hoped.
Eases loneliness: You can still enjoy human connection without handing over your whole heart.
The outer circle isn’t about half-trusting someone. It’s about adjusting your expectations so you can stay connected without feeling unsafe.
A Simple Checklist for Your Outer Circle
If you’re unsure where someone belongs, ask yourself:
Do I enjoy their company in small, surface-level ways?
Would I be okay if they weren’t available during a crisis?
Have they been inconsistent or flaky in ways that show I shouldn’t depend on them fully?
Do I feel neutral or uplifted after time with them — not drained, anxious, or betrayed?
If most of these answers are yes, they likely belong in your outer circle.
Gentle Next Steps
You don’t have to reorganize all your relationships overnight. Start small:
Choose one relationship that feels “too close for comfort” and shift it outward.
Practice sharing less vulnerable information and notice how that feels.
Give yourself permission to keep people at the level that feels safest for you.
This practice helps you reclaim your power. You get to decide who belongs where in your circles — and it can bring a deep sense of balance to your social world.
Book Resource
📖 Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller — a compassionate look at how our attachment styles shape relationships, with tools to create healthier connections.
Closing
If you’ve ever felt torn between letting someone in or cutting them off completely, know that you’re not alone. Finding your outer circle is a gentle way to protect your heart and stay connected.
✨ You deserve friendships that feel safe, balanced, and supportive.
If you’d like guidance in practicing this, I’d love to support you. You can explore more on my website at www.restorativehealinghaven.com