When Love Languages Are Weaponized: The Dark Side of a Popular Relationship Tool
“You were never asking for too much for wanting to be loved in the same way you love. You were simply asking for your love to be returned in the way you deserve.”
— Charlotte Freeman, This Was Meant to Find You
The concept of love languages has become deeply woven into modern relationship advice. Originally introduced by Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages, the idea is simple: each person receives love best through one or more preferred expressions—Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, or Receiving Gifts. At its core, the theory encourages us to better understand and meet our partner’s emotional needs.
But there’s an often-unspoken shadow side to this idea.
For many women—especially those recovering from emotionally abusive or narcissistic relationships—this framework has been twisted into a tool of dismissal.
When “I Don’t Speak Your Love Language” Becomes a Weapon
In healthy relationships, love languages can be a way to build intimacy. But in unhealthy ones, they become an excuse.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. My narcissistic ex used love languages as a shield:
“That’s just not my love language,” he’d say—coldly, flatly—when I asked for something as simple as kindness, presence, or support.
“You’re too needy.”
“You expect too much.”
But the truth? I wasn’t asking for too much. I was asking for reciprocity. For the basic dignity of being understood, valued, and loved in ways that felt meaningful to me.
When someone truly loves you, they care about how you feel love. They care enough to learn.
Real Love Is a Language of Willingness
Love isn’t about convenience. It’s not a vending machine where you insert your preferred method and get emotional satisfaction in return. Real love is about willingness.
It’s about someone who hears your needs and meets them—not because it’s their default setting, but because it matters to you. And therefore, it matters to them.
The quote from Charlotte Freeman’s book puts it beautifully:
“You deserve to be loved by someone who speaks the language of your heart and can read your soul without you needing to spell it out word for word.”
You don’t need to keep handing someone a manual, begging them to try. When someone is unwilling to meet you where you are—even after you’ve communicated with compassion—it’s not a love language issue. It’s a respect issue.
The Danger of Oversimplifying Human Needs
We are not five checkboxes. Love is complex. Trauma makes it more so. Some of us need consistency because we never had it. Some need physical affection because we were touch-starved. Some crave words because we grew up in silence.
When those needs are met with dismissal, especially under the guise of “that’s not my language,” it reinforces harmful patterns of abandonment and neglect.
A Loving Reminder
If you’re reading this and feeling like maybe you’ve been made to feel “too much” or “too complicated,” please know:
You are not too much.
You are not hard to love.
You are simply asking for your love to be returned in the way you deserve.
Real love listens. Real love learns. Real love tries.
Resource Recommendation
If you’re working through these patterns, I recommend the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, which explores how trauma impacts our ability to form safe emotional connections—and how healing is possible.
You deserve to be loved fully
If this post speaks to your heart—if you’ve ever been made to feel too complicated, too emotional, or “too much”—know that you are not alone. These are the wounds I help my clients gently begin to heal.
At Restorative Healing Haven, I offer trauma-informed services like Root Cause Therapy, Reiki, Somatic Healing, and Coaching to help you reclaim your voice, your needs, and your worth. You deserve to be loved fully—starting with yourself.
💛 If you’re ready to explore healing in a safe, supportive space, book a session with me here or reach out with any questions.
Let’s rewrite the story you were given.