From “Not Abuse” to Real Love: Raising Your Standards After Trauma
For those of us were taught to expect less.
To be “low maintenance.” To make excuses for emotional distance. To believe that just not being cheated on or yelled at was enough to call it love.
But what if you deserve more—not just someday when you’ve “healed enough”—but now?
In this post, we’re uncovering the difference between the bare minimum, what’s actually normal and healthy in a relationship, and why raising your standards is an act of self-healing.
The Bare Minimum Isn’t a Gift—It’s a Starting Point
We’ve been conditioned to confuse relief with love.
He didn’t yell at me.
He stayed.
He said sorry eventually.
But here’s the truth:
Not cheating is not a gold star.
Answering your texts is not emotional intimacy.
Saying “I love you” doesn’t undo consistent disconnection.
The bare minimum looks like:
Respecting your physical and emotional boundaries
Not yelling, gaslighting, or threatening you
Offering basic communication
Not blaming you for everything
This isn’t what love should feel like. It’s just what isn’t abuse. And you deserve far more than “not abuse.”
What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like
Let’s name what you’re allowed to want:
Emotional support: A partner who listens, validates, and responds to your needs
Consistency: You’re not walking on eggshells, wondering who you’ll get today
Teamwork: Life is shared, not “helped” with
Growth: Your healing isn’t seen as threatening—it’s honored
Repair after rupture: Conflict doesn’t lead to punishment or silence
Safety: Your body relaxes around them; you feel grounded, not anxious
This isn’t high-maintenance. This is emotional health.
If You’ve Settled Before, You’re Not Alone
Most of us who grew up with trauma or emotionally unavailable caregivers had no model for this. So we stayed in relationships that felt familiar—even if they also felt lonely or unsafe.
And while the world may praise you for tolerating less, I want you to know:
You don’t have to.
You can unlearn the patterns.
You can choose something different.
And you’re allowed to start now.
Book Recommendation:
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
This powerful book explores how attachment styles shape the way we love—and why some of us settle for less out of fear, not choice.
Ready to rebuild from a place of safety?
I offer trauma-informed sessions including Mind-Body Trauma Healing, Reiki, and sound healing to support you in your relationship with yourself. Book today