When Forgiveness Feels Like Betrayal: The Harm of Forced Forgiveness After Abuse

I want to talk about something that’s been on my heart—something I’ve lived through and something so many of the women I work with have experienced too.

That pressure to forgive.

Maybe you’ve felt it.

You open up about what happened to you—the trauma, the abuse, the betrayal—and instead of being met with compassion or support, you hear things like:

“You need to forgive them.”

“Let go and let God.”

“You can’t heal until you forgive.”

And suddenly, it’s no longer about what was done to you. It’s about how quickly you can make other people comfortable with your pain.

You’re Not Alone If That Didn’t Sit Right With You

I used to carry so much guilt around forgiveness.

I thought I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t “ready” to forgive.

I’d been taught that holding on to hurt made me bitter. That I was blocking my own blessings by not forgiving fast enough.

But here’s what I’ve learned—through my own healing and through supporting other women:

Forgiveness is not a requirement for healing.

And being told to forgive before you’re ready? That can be deeply harmful.

Forced Forgiveness Isn’t Healing—It’s Avoidance

When people tell you to forgive right away, they’re often uncomfortable with your truth.

They want you to be over it so they don’t have to witness your pain.

They want things to be wrapped in a neat little bow.

But trauma doesn’t work like that.

Healing doesn’t happen on anyone’s timeline but your own.

You can’t rush grief. You can’t skip over anger and land in peace. You have to feel it all.

And yes, you are allowed to feel it all.

The Religious Pressure to Forgive Can Feel Like Betrayal

If you come from a religious background—especially a Christian one—you might’ve heard:

“God commands us to forgive.”

“You’ll never be free if you don’t release them.”

I’ve heard those things too.

And for a long time, I believed them. I thought forgiveness was the only way to be a “good person” or to stay in right standing with God.

But I’ve since stepped away from those beliefs.

My Beliefs Have Evolved—And That’s Okay

I no longer identify as Christian, and I don’t believe in just one God anymore. Over time, I’ve come to realize that Christianity, while meaningful for many, actually came much later than some of the world’s oldest spiritual traditions.

Today, my beliefs are more open. I’m still exploring, still learning, and still figuring out what resonates with my soul.

What I do know is this: spirituality should never be used to silence someone’s pain.

You deserve a spiritual path that honors your experience, not one that demands you bypass it.

Whether you connect with God, the Universe, your ancestors, nature, or simply your own intuition—you get to define what healing looks like for you.

And just to be clear—I don’t hate Christians.

I just no longer align with beliefs that once made me feel small, ashamed, or unworthy of taking up space with my story.

What Real Healing Looks Like

Healing isn’t linear.

It’s messy, sacred, slow, and sometimes really painful.

Real healing looks like:

• Sitting with your emotions instead of rushing through them

• Naming the harm that was done to you without minimizing it

• Setting boundaries—even with people who demand forgiveness

• Exploring spiritual practices that feel safe and empowering

• Allowing yourself to grieve without guilt

Forgiveness might come one day.

Or it might not.

And both are okay.

You Can Still Be Spiritual Without Forgiving Your Abuser

For me, sound healing, breathwork, and somatic practices have helped me feel more connected—to myself, to something bigger, and to the parts of me that were once silenced.

These days, I practice spirituality in a way that feels supportive, soft, and true.

No guilt. No fear. No pressure to “just forgive.”

I’ve found peace in reclaiming my voice and choosing what works for me—not what was forced on me.

A Book That Helped Me

If you’re navigating trauma and feeling unsure about what healing is “supposed” to look like, I highly recommend

“The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.

It explains how trauma lives in the body, why we can’t think or pray our way out of it, and why our pain deserves to be witnessed—not rushed.

You Don’t Owe Anyone Forgiveness

If no one’s told you this before, let me be the one to say it:

You don’t have to forgive someone to be at peace.

You don’t have to forgive someone who never took accountability.

You don’t have to forgive to be whole.

Your healing is sacred.

Your pain is valid.

And you are still powerful—even if you never forgive the one who hurt you.